ATENEO de MANILA UNIVERSITY FINAL EXAMINATIONS

Have you ever wondered how you would have fared as either a LaSallite or an Atenean?

Here’s your chance to find out! Take either the La Salle Final Exams or the Ateneo Final Exams.  Or take both and find out what makes each one tick.

ATENEO de MANILA UNIVERSITY FINAL EXAMINATIONS

Instructions:
Answer all questions.
Time Limit: 4 hours.
Begin immediately.

1. HISTORY
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.

2. MEDICINE
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of
gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not
suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15
minutes.

3. PUBLIC SPEAKING
Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the
classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language
except Latin or Greek.

4. BIOLOGY
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this form of life had developed 500 million
years earlier, with special attention to its probable
effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your
thesis.

5. MUSIC
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with
flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

6. PSYCHOLOGY
Based on you degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate
the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and
repressed frustrations of each of the following:

Alexander of Aphrodisias
Rameses II
Gregory of Nicea
Hammurabi.

Support your evaluations with quotations from each man’s
work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to
translate.

7. SOCIOLOGY
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany
the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your
theory.

8. MANAGEMENT SCIENCE
Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why?
Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial
decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals,
each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the
communications interface and all necessary control programs.

9. ENGINEERING
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been
placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an
instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a
hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take
whatever action you feel is apropriate. Be prepared to
justify your decisions.

10. ECONOMICS
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following
areas:

Cubism
Donatist Controversy
Wave Theory of Light

Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize
this method from all possible points of view. Point out the
deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in you
answer to the last question.

11. POLITICAL SCIENCE
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start
World War III. Report at length on its socio-political
effects; if any.

13. PHYSICS
Explain the nature of matter. Include in you answer an
evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics
on science.

14. PHILOSOPHY
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any kind of
thought.

15. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

***EXTRA CREDIT***
Define the universe; give three examples.

DE LA SALLE UNIVERSITY FINAL EXAMS (Take Home)

Time Limit: 3 Weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire
with particular reference to architecture, literature, law
and social conditions or give the first name of Pierre
Trudeau?

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
a. Build a bridge
b. Sail the ocean
c. lead an army or
d. WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
a. Jewish
b. Catholic
c. Hindu
d. Polish
e. Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the
little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America’s far north called?
a. Westerners
b. Northerners
c. Southerners

9. Spell — Bush, Carter, and Clinton
BUSH: _ _ _ _
CARTER: _ _ _ _ _ _
CLINTON: _ _ _ _ _ _ _

10. Six kings of England have been called George, last one
being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Were does rain come from?
a. Macy’s
b. 7-11
c. Canada
d. the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of relativity?
a. yes
b. no
c. maybe
d. I don’t know

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for
what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
or spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples
do you have?

18. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

19. The DLSU tradition for excellence in education began
when (approximately)?
a. B.C.
b. A.D.
c. still waiting

***You must answer three or more questions
in order to graduate Magna Cum Laude.***

The Top Ten Dumbest Thing You’ve Ever Heard Anyone Say

The Top Ten Dumbest Thing You’ve Ever Heard Anyone Say
1. YnaKi – An Eat Bulaga contestant was asked by Joey and Vic: “Ano sa Tagalog ang grasshopper?” Contestant: “Ahmm. . .Huling Hapunan?”

2. Idlepsych – It was an ex-PBB housemate (1st batch) who said this: “Big Brother, ginagawa po nila ako laughing stuff!”

3. Myckle Mouse – In Wowowee, the question was: “Kung ang ’sigaw’ ay ’shout’ sa Inggles, ano naman sa Tagalog ang ‘whisper’?” The contestant answered: “Napkin!”

4. Dongster – While watchng the news yesterday about a kid killed by a bulldozer, our maid commented: “Kaya ayoko mag-alaga ng aso eh!”

5. No name – My friend and I were walking up the stairs of our schools new bldg. She said out of nowhere: “Imagine mo kung di ginawa ‘tong bldg, umaakyat tayo sa hangin?”

6. Ker – My cousin at a DRIVE-THRU: “Miss, puwedeng take out?”

7. Loipogi – Nadia Montenegro promoting her movie: “Please watch ‘The Life Story of Julie Vega’, opening na po on the twenty-twoth of November.”

8. Frederique – In a burger joint I heard a man say: “Miss, isa ngang ‘amusing’ aloha at saka ‘kidney’ meal.” Server: “Dine in po ba or to go?” The man answered: “Ayoko ng sago!”

9. No name – I was making cookies at home when I ran out of cookie sheets, so I called our maid and said: “Manang bili ka nga ng cookie sheet.” And she replied: “Ano po, solo o litro?” (coke is it)

10. Marissa – My friend said: “Ang galing ‘no, yung Ash Wednesday last year , Miyerkules din pumatak!”

11. Jasmin – A non-Christian vendor selling a Last Supper painting: “Ma’am bili po kayo ng frame, maganda po ito, ‘Hesus and Company.’”

12. No name – While watching “Apollo 13″, after she heard the line: “Houston, we have a problem.” My ex-girlfriend asked: “Sino si Houston?”

13. Dukeman – My aunt was going to the US for the 1st time. She told us: “Nagpapabili ang tita niyo ng ‘autistic’ guitar. Saan ba nakakabili nun?”

14. No name – We were marketing for an org event, when one of my orgmates wanted to clear the definition of the types of sponsors (Major, Minor, Patron, etc.) So she asked her grandma: “Lola, anong mas mataas sa Patron?” Her lola replied: “Patron? Eh di Shell!”

15. Ardiepot – Also in a gameshow. Host: “Ano sa Tagalog ang ‘teeth’?” Contestant: “Utong!”

16. Missy Ricat – I once heard an emcee say: “Let’s give her a warm of applause!”

17. Epoy – One classmate in highschool said, “Ang cute naman ng sintas mo, luminou!” I corrected him and said, “luminous!” Then he replied, “Oo nga pala, plural!”

18. No name – Barker ng bus: Ah Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao!!!” Pasahero: “Boss, Cubao?”

19. Jen – Sa isang gameshow, tinanong ng host: “Anong ‘P’ ang Tagalog ng ’storey’ o ‘floor’ ng building?” Contestan: “PIP PLOR!”

20. No name – An officemate of ours told us a story about driving alone in her car: “Alam niyo, pag nag-iisa ako, feeling ko ‘wala akong kasama’”

21. Rome – I had a customer on the line who had a password on his account. I asked for the password but he forgot. I gave him a clue: “It’s a 4-digit number.” He answered, “Uhm ‘ROCKY’?”

22. Slowbyslow – I overheard a lady place an order at Starbucks: “One cup of chino please.”

23. Eve – An officemate once asked: “Saan sa Quezon City ang Mandaluyong?”

24. Asht – I had a meeting with a friend and I noticed that both of us were wearing stripes. He suddenly blurted out: “Uy, stripes din! It’s the color of the day!”

25. Ruby – My sister said of our neighbor who was our arch enemy: “Mamatay na sana kapitbahay natin!” I told her not to say that, coz it might bounce back to us. Then she said, “Ah ganun ba yun? In that case, mamatay na sana tayo!”

26. No name – When I saw that I got a missed call, I said, “Hey, I got a missed call!” My friend said, “Anong sabi?”

27. Jonalou22 – From the gameshow “The Weakest Link”. Host Edu Manzano asked: “Anong ‘T’ ang ibinibigay ng konduktor pag nagbayad ka ng pamasahe sa bus?” Ian Veneracion answered: “TUKLI!”

28. Joeygirl – We were reviewing for an exam and we were already dead tired. A classmate said, “Hala, brownout!” Pagtingin namin, nakapikit pala siya.

29. Eliteblood – A call center agent told a foreign customer regarding the changing of the due date of her credit card: “Ma’am, I already changed your monthly period.”

30. Draco’s Biatch – A home economics teacher asked us: “How do you make wet floor and tow duff?” Translation: “How do you make wheat flour and tough dough”.

31. Kate Molds – During a shower party for my friend, the married women were giving tips on the do’s & dont’s of sexual intercourse, when the bride asked: “Hindi ba kasama yung betlog sa pinapasok?”

32. Loi Pogi – Melanie Marquez: “Ang tatay ko lang ang only living legend na buhay pa.”

Usapang manoy!

1. Smoking can shorten your penis by as much as a centimeter. Erections are all about good bloodflow, and lighting up calcifies blood vessels, stifling erectile circulation. So even if you don’t care all that much about your lungs or dying young, spare the li’l guy.

2. Doctors can now grow skin for burn victims using the foreskins of circumcised infants. One foreskin can produce 23,000 square meters, which would be enough to tarp every Major League infield with human flesh.

3. An enlarged prostate gland can cause both erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. If you have an unexplained case of either, your doctor’s looking forward to checking your prostate. Even if you’re not.

4. The average male orgasm lasts 6 seconds. Women get 23 seconds. Which means if women were really interested in equality, they’d make sure we have four orgasms for every one of theirs.

5. The oldest known species with a penis is a hard-shelled sea creature called Colymbosathon ecplecticos. That’s Greek for “amazing swimmer with large penis.” Which officially supplants Buck Naked as the best porn name, ever.

6. Circumcised foreskin can be reconstructed. Movable skin on the shaft of the penis is pulled toward the tip and set in place with tape. Later, doctors apply plastic rings, caps, and weights. Years can pass until complete coverage is attained. . . . Okay, we’ll shut up now.

7. Only one man in 400 is flexible enough to give himself oral pleasure. It’s estimated, however, that all 400 have given it their best shot at some point.

8. There are two types of penises. One kind expands and lengthens when becoming erect (a grower). The other appears big most of the time, but doesn’t get much bigger after achieving erection (a shower).

9. An international Men’s Health survey reports that 79 percent of men have growers, 21 percent have showers.

10. German researchers say the average intercourse lasts 2 minutes, 50 seconds, yet women perceive it as lasting 5 minutes, 30 seconds. Are we that good or that bad

11. Turns out size does matter: The longer your penis, the better “semen displacement” you’ll achieve when having sex with a woman flush with competing sperm. That’s according to researchers at the State University of New York, who used artificial phalluses (ahem) to test the “scooping” mechanism of the penis’s coronal ridge. Next up: curing cancer.

12. The penis that’s been enjoyed by the most women could be that of King Fatefehi of Tonga, who supposedly deflowered 37,800 women between the years 1770 and 1784 — that’s about seven virgins a day. Go ahead, say it: It’s good to be king.

13. Better-looking men may have stronger sperm. Spanish researchers showed women photos of guys who had good, average, and lousy sperm — and told them to pick the handsomest men. The women chose the best sperm producers most often.

14. No brain is necessary for ejaculation. That order comes from the spinal cord. Finding a living vessel for said ejaculation, however, takes hours of careful thought and, often, considerable amounts of alcohol.

15. The most common cause of penile rupture: vigorous masturbation. Some risks are just worth taking.